Tawwakul (Trust in Allah)

I walked on road and saw a little child holding his mum’s hand while crossing the road. The way those tiny fingers were wrapped around his mum’s large one, I couldn’t help but smile. A tear escaped my eyes and I looked away flicking away the small drop from my face.

I reached home but the sight of that little baby with his mum couldn’t just leave off my mind. It’s more than 18 years for my marriage and maybe we are among those rare couples whom Allah has kept isolated from the happiness of a child.

After trying every possible treatment with the best doctors in the city for more than 15 years we got nothing but hopelessness. Finally we accepted it our fate. We know it’s all Allah’s plan. He knows much better than what our little mind could even imagine.

Things were very difficult in our initial stages of marriage. My husband loves kids hence he wanted them at the very beginning. I on the other hand was a bit apprehensive thinking about all the new responsibilities that would come with a baby. Since ours was an arrange marriage, I first wanted to spend some quality time with my husband rather than focusing on kids. Still we never really took any precautions. I left it all on my destiny. After two years of only trying, I could see my husbands change in behaviour, he would always be grumpy and very rigid towards me. He started blaming me for consuming pills secretly or not making enough efforts to have kids. He called me barren. He would often stay up late outside and would only show up at home to sleep. Life was changing drastically. Our happy marriage was turning gloomy. Our love that was once blooming started diminishing. He blamed me for every single bad thing that happened in his life. And to top it all we had our “So called relatives” who were only interested in knowing when was the happy news. I consulted every top gynocologist and tried to learn my defect. I was sure I lacked something in me. I did all sort of test and ate any medicine that the doctor prescribed just to get back the happiness on my husband’s face.

It was five years and things were more horrible in our life. My husband took up smoking. He worked more and more each day. Our weekends would end up either him outside with his friends or we both sitting quietly at the corners of our home.

One day after work I decided to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him about this for so long but couldn’t muster up the courage and it was that day I thought I was ready to face the reality. He came home late, as usual. After dinner I sat next to him in living room. He was surprised but didn’t asked me to go away like earlier. I held his hand that was resting on his thighs. I took a deep breathe and spoke “You know it’s almost 7 years and I am unable to give you a child. Hence I suggest you to get married again. Maybe the other lady will bring back all the lost happiness in your life” I ended once and for all. I couldn’t speak any more. Tears leaked through my eyes but I had prepared myself for this. I took a side glance at his face and noticed that he was fuming in anger. Suddenly he stood up shouting “You are no one to tell me what should I do and what should I not. You are worthless. A women who herself cannot produce any child is here to give me suggestions. Just go away, I don’t wanna ever see your face again.” Saying this he stomped inside the bedroom shutting the door with full speed.

It was enough. I couldn’t stand him or his words any more. His words tore apart my heart into million pieces. Next morning after he left for work I packed few of my clothes and left his house. After serving him for seven years, loving him with all my heart and sacrificing almost everything for him, this is what he gave in the end.

I ended up going at my parents place. And I guess that was the best decision of my life. At home, everyone welcomed me. I guess they were expecting me. No one asked me anything. No one treated me differently. It felt home but yes I missed my husband terribly. I would cry myself to sleep every night, I lost my health. His words kept repeating somewhere back inside my mind. I would curse myself day and night. I was one of those very rare women who couldn’t bear a child. I blamed me for everything. I tried giving up my life many times but the face of my parents would always stop me.

One night mum came inside my room at around 4 am. I was surprised to see that she was awake at this hour of the morning. She saw my tear stained face but didn’t ask me anything. I was glad she never pressurised me for anything. I kept my head on her lap and tear started coming out once again after seeing her affection. I hugged her tightly. “Why am I so unlucky? Why can’t I have kids just like others? Why don’t I have a happy family just like others? Why mum?” I cried on her lap and she kept quiet listening to me. “Darling you are not unlucky? It’s all Allah’s plan. He’s testing you beta. Everything is in His mighty power. Allah says in the Quran

“Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear”

Daughter He knows you are capable of this test. Not everyone can bear this big difficult. Allah knows my daughter is very strong to pass this test. Trust Him daughter. He doesn’t leave his slave unattended. Trust His perfect timing. He will grant you with the best in both the worlds.”

Her words comforted me. They were like an ointment to my wounded heart. I realized in all these years I never really went to Allah. I was just a Friday Muslim who prayed only on Fridays just for the sake of praying. I never reached out to Him whereas He was always there. And just thinking about Allah brought such peace to my heart. It was that day I made wudu and prayed fajr salah. I cried out to him in sujood. I told him all that was in my heart. I felt good. It felt as if someone is actually listening out to me. I asked him to give me sabr. That’s the only thing I asked him. I asked him for the lost happiness with my husband.

Since that day, I developed a relationship with my Allah that no one else knew about. I didn’t need anyone then. He was enough for me. I would spend my days reading His book and praying and spending some happy moments with my family. I was re-establishing my faith with my maker.

After two months, my husband came to take me back. He said sorry. He cried like a little baby in front of me. He told me how important I was in his life. He said he needed me badly. I couldn’t ask for anything more. We were again happy in our own little world.

Obviously, It didn’t happen in a single day. We were still struggling. There were days I would tear apart completely and cry for days thinking about my weakness. There were days when we were out on weekends and the sight of a happy family in front of us saddened my husband. He never cursed me but I knew how bad he felt. Those were the days when we relied only on Allah. I would cry out to Him, asked Him for sabr because that was the only thing that would keep us going and He The Almighty answered. He gave us utmost patience. He softened my husband’s heart. He filled our heart with Eman. He was surely there all the time.

Though the lack of kids still breaks me apart but I know who should I turn to for my sadness now.

Truly the slave of Allah needs no one but Him. He is the healer of every pain. He is Ar Rahmaan and Ar Raheem. The most compassionate and very merciful.